I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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