who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
