I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
