I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
