the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize