After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
