No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
