There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
