is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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