Screwed.edu
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
