my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
