I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
