I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
