does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
You made out with two different species that night
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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