drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize
