Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
my liver is dry heaving
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
