I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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