you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
