I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
