I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
