i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
