I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
