i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize