last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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