Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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