Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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