Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
