Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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