You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
You left your phone here
Wait...
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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