I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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