Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
