I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
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