i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
