my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Randomize
