girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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