I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
