I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
