Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Randomize