Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
