high people should be assigned attendants
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
