Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
