i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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