i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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