The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
