New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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