Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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