wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
