I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
