I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
