please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Sorry my hands just texted you
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
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