Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
