No awkward lesbian experiences without me
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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