My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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