he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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