There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
