walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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