Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
So here I am, sexting at work.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
